Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
