Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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