it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
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I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
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she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform