i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
