I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
