we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
