God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
