So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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