he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.