fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
