i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?