And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
