so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
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Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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