did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
