Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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