I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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