Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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