Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
