Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
