I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
worst night to have a conscience
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
