At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize