Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
