she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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