youre lurking in front of me
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
