hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
