I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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