That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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