I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
as a side note pls kill me
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