when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
