her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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