No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.