I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
