omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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