fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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