Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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