Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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