I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
