Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
