then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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