Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
