Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
