I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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