Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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