Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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