Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
