If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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