i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
