there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
