By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
