Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
