if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
