If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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