I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
