Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
