you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
