Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
