I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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