I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
